Spark Of Past...

At times it is hard to believe that many, many, months have gone by since my last posting. And of course, being that this is me, nothing turned out the way planned, expected, or even slightly anticipated.

Greetings to those I know. Greetings and greetings to those I don't know. I believe I've been paying a penance to fate. I have been without internet access for so long I have even forgotten some of my access codes for various pages that I used to visit with regular abandon. Of course the only pages that forgetfulness affected were those having to do with my financial status each month. (The effect of a big ZERO.)

However, I did get logged in two months ago very briefly and discovered that some of my Twitter friends had been looking for me - with concern. I received an email from the Sheriffs department in Shelby County, TN who informed me that I had been placed on a national missing person listing because of my last posting on Twitter admitting that I had become stranded when my truck went kablooyeeeee! Whether the listing action was due to Twitter friends or my neighbors in Memphis it was not only surprising but endearing. (However, getting off that list is proving to be difficult.)

My dogs and I are fine. I rent a room in a 100 yr old cabin, and have since December. There is no internet available there and until February I did not have a car. There is a nice little WiFi cafe here in town, but the two mile walk in snow and ice was more than I was willing to do - the risk of falling with my knees is ever present.

Now I have a huge gas guzzler with 4x4 so can get around if needed. This is in the lick of time as I am preparing to move on somewhere else still. This has been a temporary setting born of desperation and frustration. The where of the moving on is still up in the air. The two main choices are so far apart in their descriptions perhaps only their differences are the underpinning of my soul. One choice is a 20 acre piece of raw land - so raw that there is no power, water, or habitat. The other choice is a full service furnished room including Internet.

Wow, tough choice for the likes of me since I want all the perceived benefits of both. Of course, I'd give up any and all goals if I were to find the right person to share my life with, but as I am me, myself, and I, there are no expectations left in me for the potential to ever again be sharing.

Why am I serving penance to fate? If this is possible it is well deserved. For I have wronged my friends in an attempt to make my departure understandable. Although I am not going to discuss the details here I will lay the blame where it belongs. It is ME. My fault, for I fabricated a story to cover my feelings. Truthfully, I lied. It was false, and it was wrong. And I have been ill from the stress I caused myself.

So to my neighbors across the street I wish to apologize. The truth is that being closely involved with your family, your son, yourselves as a family, broke me up. There is great love in your family even though you don't want it to show. And that love, that family togetherness, broke me. I wish you, my neighbors, to know that I appreciated being accepted so willingly but I found myself on the verge of a mental collapse. I had to isolate myself again.

And to my neighbor next door - you understand my wanderlust. I thank you for accepting me as me regardless of my skin color. There are too many people in the world who can't see past color when in fact humans should be color blind (or blinded).

Unfortunately my isolation became more than expected. Was it fate? Was it punishment? To me it is just life but I have had a great deal of time to ponder my mental condition. I have written more on my projects, and have again been writing music that had been eluding me in my distress at the beginning of fall.

So I am recovering again. I miss Twitter and hope to become active again. I miss checking on my friends on FaceBook even though I don't like to post on there often. I am getting busy again with compiling my music for the print publications. My visit here is limited by the battery in my laptop so I won't be on often or very long. But for now I get the chance to say "greetings" and hope that all of you are doing well.