15 February 2011

Spark Of Past...

At times it is hard to believe that many, many, months have gone by since my last posting. And of course, being that this is me, nothing turned out the way planned, expected, or even slightly anticipated.

Greetings to those I know. Greetings and greetings to those I don't know. I believe I've been paying a penance to fate. I have been without internet access for so long I have even forgotten some of my access codes for various pages that I used to visit with regular abandon. Of course the only pages that forgetfulness affected were those having to do with my financial status each month. (The effect of a big ZERO.)

However, I did get logged in two months ago very briefly and discovered that some of my Twitter friends had been looking for me - with concern. I received an email from the Sheriffs department in Shelby County, TN who informed me that I had been placed on a national missing person listing because of my last posting on Twitter admitting that I had become stranded when my truck went kablooyeeeee! Whether the listing action was due to Twitter friends or my neighbors in Memphis it was not only surprising but endearing. (However, getting off that list is proving to be difficult.)

My dogs and I are fine. I rent a room in a 100 yr old cabin, and have since December. There is no internet available there and until February I did not have a car. There is a nice little WiFi cafe here in town, but the two mile walk in snow and ice was more than I was willing to do - the risk of falling with my knees is ever present.

Now I have a huge gas guzzler with 4x4 so can get around if needed. This is in the lick of time as I am preparing to move on somewhere else still. This has been a temporary setting born of desperation and frustration. The where of the moving on is still up in the air. The two main choices are so far apart in their descriptions perhaps only their differences are the underpinning of my soul. One choice is a 20 acre piece of raw land - so raw that there is no power, water, or habitat. The other choice is a full service furnished room including Internet.

Wow, tough choice for the likes of me since I want all the perceived benefits of both. Of course, I'd give up any and all goals if I were to find the right person to share my life with, but as I am me, myself, and I, there are no expectations left in me for the potential to ever again be sharing.

Why am I serving penance to fate? If this is possible it is well deserved. For I have wronged my friends in an attempt to make my departure understandable. Although I am not going to discuss the details here I will lay the blame where it belongs. It is ME. My fault, for I fabricated a story to cover my feelings. Truthfully, I lied. It was false, and it was wrong. And I have been ill from the stress I caused myself.

So to my neighbors across the street I wish to apologize. The truth is that being closely involved with your family, your son, yourselves as a family, broke me up. There is great love in your family even though you don't want it to show. And that love, that family togetherness, broke me. I wish you, my neighbors, to know that I appreciated being accepted so willingly but I found myself on the verge of a mental collapse. I had to isolate myself again.

And to my neighbor next door - you understand my wanderlust. I thank you for accepting me as me regardless of my skin color. There are too many people in the world who can't see past color when in fact humans should be color blind (or blinded).

Unfortunately my isolation became more than expected. Was it fate? Was it punishment? To me it is just life but I have had a great deal of time to ponder my mental condition. I have written more on my projects, and have again been writing music that had been eluding me in my distress at the beginning of fall.

So I am recovering again. I miss Twitter and hope to become active again. I miss checking on my friends on FaceBook even though I don't like to post on there often. I am getting busy again with compiling my music for the print publications. My visit here is limited by the battery in my laptop so I won't be on often or very long. But for now I get the chance to say "greetings" and hope that all of you are doing well.


  1. Welcome back Daniel! I had to smile at your having a hard time getting yourself removed from the "missing person" list. "I'M LOCATED, therefore I'm no longer MISSING" lol, you can't reason with red tape.

    Personally, I believe the love, forgiveness, and peace we seek is available at all times if we open our heart to God and all His amazing Grace. Love yourself as is, Daniel, God sure does. God created you exactly as you are for profound reasons. Your journey towards becoming who you were created to be may not seem easy at times, but we can be thankful we know where to turn for strength and guidance.

    I wish you nothing but great things, and I hope you move forward with joy. Thank-you for the update :)

  2. Very glad to know you're still in the land of the living, Daniel. A lot of us on Twitter were very worried about you, and yes, because the last thing we heard was the truck breakdown...and I knew you were suffering some hardship.

  3. Tara... and Madison... Thanks for the thoughts. Sometimes I wonder if I am supposed to be me, or if I should be somebody else. I imagine the somebody else would not go through the tribulations and yet I can't see myself not facing those trials.

  4. Rather than try to figure out who you should be, I say 'just be'. Whoever it ends up being will be correct. Hang in there and try to stay in touch. Have you been able to hop onto Twitter yet? Should I tweet to say you've been spotted?

  5. Yes, I'm hanging in there. I am also visiting Twitter in the midst of doing music score uploads, reuploading the corrections that should have been fixed before the uploads, and then uploading them again because I put them in the wrong spot. :grin:

  6. Hi Daniel,
    Madison and I looked for you online. I did go through the (suicide) death of an online writer buddy so I was worried, and then I just prayed for you.
    However ephemeral these internet blips might be, they are connected with real people who really care.
    Hope that helps. A little tiny bit. I'm a therapist so I seem to notice distress more than some. Recommend you get as much support as you can to get back on your feet emotionally & financially... We all need that at different times, myself included.

  7. Toby, the concern of electronic connections was very moving. One Twitter user even emailed me although I didn't get online to receive the email for several months. For me, every little bit helps. At least for this month I have access to the internet even if it is slow and periodically quits working. Maybe the same for next month and then its back to wandering with limited access again. This time, however, I'll be sure to post notice of what I'm doing so that nobody has concerns.


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